I wish I could teleport
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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