My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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