2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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