also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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