I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
