im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
