I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
