atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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