I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
