worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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