Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
