Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
