im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
