i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
