I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
