My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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