DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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