Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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