The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
