I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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