Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize