Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
