I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
