someone threw a dead crab at me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
