Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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