I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
