I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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