woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
