You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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