Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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