Cold hands, warm shart.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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