I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
