you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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