yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
