my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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