I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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