my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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