Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize