I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
