she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize