I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
