i dont even know how to be here
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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