worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
