so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
