i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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