I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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