You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
