Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
