who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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