the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
