my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
