You can't motorboat a personality
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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