I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
