I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
