I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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