hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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