I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
