nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
