I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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