I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
