i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
how do flat chested girls get laid?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
