remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize