I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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