it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
