just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
