I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
