nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
