it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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